Ramblings of a mad man. ;-)

Well, it has been 7 months since my last date. It has been even longer since I last had a woman look at me as a woman looks at a man. I find this interesting as I am often told by women (that I know) that I am an attractive man with lots "going on." I'm starting to feel the lack of the feminine in my life experience. There is still an ocean of joy, but the waves on the ocean (so to speak) are noticeably missing feminine energy. I know that my life-style doesn't lend itself to long-term committed relationships, thus finding a woman interested in me for such is small, but one might think that someone would be interested in at least going out for an evening of just fun. Go figure.

There are things about ourselves that we find enjoyable, and a few that we wish to change. I sometimes grow confused about what my life is about. Always, or at least, when there is no attachment being pulled apart that I didn't even know existed, there is peace within, but on the surface of that peace is a wondering of what to do with this life time I've been gifted. Lots of skills, but not much use for them. Lots of knowledge, but most folks I meet don't seem to want to know what I know, at least, not in depth. I recognize that my life is not being wasted: I have been told many times that something about my experience has changed someone else's life for the better and it is easy to see how my energy effects my surroundings. But I think I keep getting caught by the thought that I ought to be getting ahead in some way. There seems to be a dual experience going on within, one experience is that just to be alive is enough. The other states that I am not living up to my full potential, so to speak. I watch both experiences to see what they do.

As my life progresses, it becomes more and more clear to me that this is all just a game that the Universe is playing with itself. What can be truly important if even the Universe itself isn't permanent? Relatively important? Yes. But truly important? Nothing that I can think of. Please note, this isn't a sad thing! It means that I am part and parcel of the Universe as a whole which can only mean that I am never alone, never without Source in me and as me. But it does leave the "little me," the earth-born and trained bit of Universal experience at odds with societal training.

I have a friend, who even though I think of him as a brother, I can't remember his name. He is a Theravada Buddhist monk. I know his name from before he was ordained, but how to address him as an ordained monk continually alludes me. In any case, he is presently residing in a cave in Burma and also posts on this blog site. His life as he describes it appeals to me as though it might have been the type of life that I lived in my recent past incarnation, if such indeed exists. To be honest, the way my life is presenting to me at this time is somewhat monkish, or so it feels to me. I am spending even more time alone than I am used to, but this, too, is just something to watch and be aware of. One of the monks at the Great Vow Zen Monastery told me that "...90% of all spiritual questions have the same answer, 'Be Still.'" This I believe.

Strangely enough, sometimes I question the validity of that statement, but then I find that, to find the answer to the question, I become still and listen for the answer to present itself.

I took a ride on the 'wing yesterday, just for the joy of it. I went south this time. there is only one road that passes through town, Highway 95. Twenty miles north of here, is I-40. About 85 miles south is I-10. Before yesterday, I had only ridden about 30 miles, just shy of Parker, AZ. So, I decided that I would ride south and see what was there. I got to an open area that went on for miles. Just sun, sand, and a few small bushes and small plants. There might be some animals there, but I didn't see any. I pulled to the side of the road and shut off the bike and just started walking out into the "waste-land." Unfortunately, I couldn't get away from the sounds of the traffic, but I imagined what it must've been like for the first whites to see the land. Then I thought about what it would've been like for the first people to see it. It is amazing and awesome, desolate but beautiful.

A few years ago, I met a woman who had lived among the natives of Africa for many years. She told me that a large part of their days was without structure or reason to do anything. After one has filled the belly, what else is there to do if there are no books, no phones, no radios, no TVs, no computers, and no cars? what would you find to do to fill your days? I'm finding a small version of this in my life now. And I'm not fighting it: I want to see where this goes.

Well, they are kicking us out of this establishment. Happy Singles Awareness Day!